My Brothers and Sisters of Raider Nation,
Thank you for joining me here today in the parking lot of the Wal-Mart of Vacaville.
I am obligated to mention that you can buy two cans of Hormel Chili for the price of one today and if you purchase three pounds of Jimmy Dean bacon the fourth pound is free.
Now, to the business at hand.
Our beloved Nation has seen six long years of misery. We will never get the taste of that Super Bowl loss in 2003 out of our mouths. Believe me, I tried. Heck, before I got on this stage today I rinsed my mouth for a full hour using the Wal-Mart brand mouth wash, which is comparable to Listerine at half the price you’d pay for the name brand.
After going through 5 coaches over these 6 years, we finally have a leader. Tom Cable is the future of our beloved franchise.
As soon as Cable took over last year, he made a point to clean his locker room. First he began by scrubbing the floors with a Swiffer sweeper, now available in the mojito lime scent exclusively here at Wal-Mart. Next, he sent a message to his team by convincing Al Davis to cut DeAngelo Hall.
Cutting Hall was bold! The initial reaction from the media was to lampoon our leadership. They told the world our team was lost. They told the world we were fools. Heck, by the way they spoke you would think we were the ones who went 0-16 in 2008.
By the end of the season, Tom Cable was able to get his men to dig deep and roll the Donkeys in Denver, smack the Texans in Oakland and finally to exercise the demon soul of Chucky in Tampa! These three wins showed the world that we were not going to go quietly into the night. These three wins came when there was nothing to play for. When there was no hope in sight.
Brothers and Sisters! I’m here to tell you that Tom Cable is the man to put all your Raider stock in. In Tom we trust!
Well, my beloved Nation, I’m here to tell you this. No! Not on Tom Cable’s watch!
The days of blatant disregard for character are out the window! Coach Cable has said it loud and clear. His team will play for the logo on the helmet and not the name on the back of the shirt!
The Player is a cancer. He has taken the Keyshawn Doctrine to Dallas, Philadelphia, Baltimore and even to our neighbors just across the bay in San Francisco. Four cities with four all too similar endings.
Coincidence? I think not!
Now are we to welcome this malcontent here? How can we? We have no cap space. We’re still paying Javon Walker. We’re still in court with Lane Kiffin. We’ve still got so many other holes to fill on our roster.
If we’re going to go after a Cowboy who has just been released, then I’d rather have that fat safety who was supposed to wed one of Beyonce’s backup singers instead of the homophobe receiver. Yeah, I said it!
Yes, we badly need a wide receiver. I know that Johnnie Lee Higgins led our receivers last year and he only had 22 grabs. But remember that he did not emerge until late in the season. That, my friends, is called “potential”.
The Player has no more “potential”. It seems most of you are watching you tube clips from 2002 and not 2008. The 2002 Player was a game breaker. The 2008 Player couldn’t get off the line and had more drops than a Siberian cell phone service!
Remember Randy Moss? We know how that ended. Well, I’m here to tell you that The Player isn’t even half the talent that Moss is. The Player has peaked.
We’ve finally taken a big step forward by cutting a lot of dead weight and now we’re supposed to add more.
I think not!
So, I’m here to ask each of you to get on the phone! To write letters! To send e-mails! Let Al Davis know that we won’t stand for this! We need to vote NO on proposition 81!
No to The Player! No on 81!
No on 81! No to The Player!
Let him ruin some other city. Not ours. We don’t need six more years of misery. Think of Brother JaMarcus and his family. We don’t want a Butt-Hurt QB like #6 in Denver, do we?
No on 81! No to The Player!
Also, if you’re hungry, the new McDonald’s McSnack Shack is celebrating its grand opening today. You can find it just past the Wal-Mart garden section.
(This message was paid for by the Terrell Owens is an egomaniacal, selfish diva with bloated stats, no rings, never touched a Lombardi, never will touch a Lombardi, shouldn’t be in the Hall of Fame, smells of more douche than A-Rod, lies worse than Jason Mesnick and isn’t worth the price tag Committee)
*The above views do not reflect any views shared by the Oakland Raiders front office, coaching staff or players. But they should share these views if they value any last shred of respect they have left in the NFL.