Since I welcomed Kansas City Chief QB Matt Cassel into the Wild AFC West, it is only right that I roll out the same welcome mat for the newest Bronco, Kyle Orton.
All this is based on the assumption that you will be the starter, Kyle. You know better than anyone that nothing is guaranteed in the NFL, having lost your job on separate occasions to Rex Grossman and Brian Griese.
So, without further ado, here is a little advice for you, Orton, as you transition from the Second City to the Mile High City.
1) Own the Chiefs and Matt Cassel – Nothing will make you more endearing to Bronco fans than sticking it to the QB who caused this whole mess in the first place. Consider Matt Cassel the Angelia Jolie to Jay Cutler’s Jennifer Aniston, Josh McDaniels as the Brad Pitt figure and Bronco fans as the children adopted by McD in his new union. After it’s all said and done, you’ll most likely just be a speed bump on the McDaniels express lane to Millenville (population: Denver and Detroit), but at least you’ll give the Danver fans a brief moment to like you by balling whenever Cassel is on the other side of the field.
2) Get the rock to Brandon Marshall – Lost in the entire Jay Cutler saga is the great toll this has taken on his former favorite target, Brandon Marshall. Marshall and Cutler had a relationship not unlike the onscreen connection shared between Charlie Sheen and Kristy Swanson in the 1994 film “The Chase”. Cutler played Swanson’s role of the drama queen and Marhsall played Sheen’s role of the felon. Good times for all in Donkey Town. Now, Kyle, it’s up to you to make sure Marshall doesn’t go T.O. and start to complain when you’re looking for Eddie Royal and Tony Scheffler more than him. Take a page out of Cutler’s book and stare Marshall down for the entire play. Never mind scanning the field and reading the whole play, just wing it in there and act like you thought Marshall was open when McD is ripping you on the sideline. It will cost you a few INTs, but hey, it’s not like Cutler took care of the ball in Denver either.
3) Get to know Ed Hochuli – The whole world knows that Jay Cutler made Hoculi’s biceps bulge at the mere sight of Denver’s diabetic darling. The muscle bound flag thrower was so enamored with Jay-C that he actually gave the Broncos a cheap win over the Chargers back in 2008. Now that Cutler is gone, it will be up to you to make nice with Hochuli. My suggestion is this: Since you know Hochuli enjoys pumping iron, why not surprise him with a gift to aid him in his tiring workouts. I can put you in contact with Yuri Sucart. My man has some great connects to buy cheap “Tic Tacs” in the D.R.
4) Keep the beard – Bronco fans still have a hard time accepting the fact that John Elway is no longer playing. Jake Plummer got smart and grew a Grizzly Adams so that anytime he pulled off his helmet after turning the ball over, Bronco fans would realize, “Hey! Since when did Elway grow a beard?” Eventually the reality set in that it was Plummer and not Elway on the field. Bronco fans embraced Jake the Fake, so why not you? Cutler had to live up to being the next Elway, while you only have to be the next Plummer. Sometimes having lowered expectations can be a great thing.
Truth be told, I’d be very surprised if McD doesn’t start the musical chair game at QB by week 4 in 2009. For now, the job is yours Kyle. Enjoy playing in Denver. At least you know your job is safe as long as you don’t make the Pro Bowl. However, should you actually become good enough to run a pro offense, set a franchise record for passing yards and earn a trip to Hawaii (or wherever the Pro Bowl is to be played) then all bets are off and McDaniels will be looking to ship you out for Mitch Mustian, Aaron Corp or Matt Barkley (whichever USC QB he’s is in love with).
Welcome to the AFC West, Kyle Orton!
Tags: Aaron Corp Angelina Jolie Brad Pitt Brandon Marshall Brian Griese Charlie Sheen Ed Hochuli Eddie Royal Jake Plummer Jay Cutler Jennifer Aniston John Elway Josh McDaniels Kristy Swanson Kyle Orton Matt Barkley Matt Cassel Mitch Mustain Rex Grossman Terrell Owens Tony Scheffler Wilford Brimley Yuri Sucart