In Disney’s continuing effort to convince the world that they are the authority on anything sports related, ESPN is set to unveil its seventh annual list of the Ultimate Standings upon the July 13th release of ESPN the Magazine.
The list ranks professional franchises in North America based on a very scientific set of parameters to ultimately decide what franchise gives fans “what they want”. Parameters such as “affordability”, “title track” and “bang for the buck”.
In this economy, how do you even define “affordability”? Isn’t that a relative term?
But I digress.
It was far from a surprise to find the Oakland Raiders, a team that has won just 24 games in six years, near the bottom.
In fact, of the 122 teams ranked, the Raiders are 116th.
I’m not a genius. I attended Cal State Northridge not MIT. My feeble mind could never conceive a complex system of algorithms and scientific principles to extract empirical data that shows exactly who the best fan friendly franchises are.
In the end, I only look at wins and losses.
What an idiot I am.
How foolish to think that fans are happier when their team wins as opposed to when their stadium vendors offer family packages that include nachos, corn dogs and soda. Perhaps if Al Davis were to put a pirate ship in the Black Hole or had a mountain with cascading waterfalls in the parking lot – as the top ranked Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim do – then he would see happier fans in the stands.
I guess all those years when Cowboy fans were showing up to that dump of a stadium to watch Tom Landry and Jimmy Johnson hoist Lombardi trophies that they were secretly miserable because their seats did not have cup holders.
No, I’m clearly as naïve a fan as there is.
I’m always begging Al Davis for a winner instead of a massage parlor in Oakland Coliseum.
Maybe one day I’ll be smart enough to realize that having team organized autograph sessions with practice squad scrubs is more important than a team I can be proud of.
Until then, I’ll just have to hope that ESPN shines its light on our poor little team once we install a megaplex complete with churro vendors and a laser light show.
Trust me when I say this: Winning cures all. I’ll be more than happy watching a winning team play in a low rent stadium with high ticket prices than a losing team play in the Mall of America with discount corporate rates.
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