From the Diary of Al Davis: Seymour Watch, Day Three

The following is an entry in the diary of Al Davis.

Seymour Watch, Day Three:

Three days ago I called up an old friend in Massachusetts to inquire about a trade. In less than an hour we had a gentlemen’s agreement: I was to procure the services of one defensive lineman named Richard Seymour in exchange my friend in the Northeast received a first round draft choice.

Here we are, three days later and I have yet to see Mr. Seymour show his face in Oakland, California.

I thought my old buddy was doing me a favor. I assumed that he was trying to repay me for the gift of Randy Moss. As it turns out he is every bit the cheat and liar that had a ball boy illegally videotaping practices. It has been brought to my attention that Mr. Seymour was promised a new contract this year. Unbeknownst to Seymour, my friend was plotting to trade him all along and did so over a holiday weekend. The discussion of a new contract was nothing more than the pillow talk Tony Romo was uttering in the ear of that fat girl he dumped in the IHOP parking lot.

Of all the lowly ways to treat an employee! I would never do something as such. (Marcus Allen doesn’t count, that was different.)

Now, my newest toy is wallowing somewhere leaving me stuck between a police investigation in Napa and Tommy Kelly’s contract.

It is now my reasonability to dig deep and give Mr. Seymour the money he desires or I’m to renounce the deal and reacquire my draft pick in 2011. With the way our defense has been playing, we’ll have another top 10 pick in 2011 and I’ll be forced to pass on Michael Crabtree once again as he’ll no doubt be reentering the NFL draft for a third time.


What is an owner/GM/coach/collector of tracksuits to do?

Perhaps I should have taken a page out of the Zygi Wilf handbook and sent Tom Cable to the airport to pick up Seymour in that blasted Hummer he bought once I made him the head coach. (Note to self: Did we ever actually give him a contract? I remember the press conference and all but did we actually give him the job or did Cable just sit in his office this whole off-season until I forgot who he was?)

What to do?

We need to free up more money for this guy because I’m sure with his help we could go from being the 31st ranked run defense to the 28th. I’m positive that can happen!

Maybe I can find a way to get out of another contract like we did with DeAngelo Hall last year. Ah, the look on DeAngelo’s face when I told him to take his contract and wipe his ass with it. Classic stuff!

Let’s see…we’ve got all this money tied up in a cornerback and a punter. As much as I like Nnamdi Asomugha, I just feel like it would make more sense to keep our $4-million a year punter than a shutdown corner.

I’m going to get it right this time! They will have no choice but to put Shane Lechler in the Hall of Fame. This one’s for you, Ray Guy!

Then it is done!

We’ll cut Nnamdi, restructure Darrius Heyward-Bey so he’s paid per drop (I believe it’s called the Braylon Edwards clause) and I’m going to send Bill Romanowski out to Massachusetts to have a little meeting with my friend who can’t seem to keep the sleeves on his sweatshirts.

If all else fails, we’ll just call off the entire 2009 season and finish that move to Irwindale I planned some years ago.

I love it when a plan comes together!

(The above is purely fictional. In no way does Mr. Davis consider anybody in the Northeast who happens to coach a professional football team as a liar or cheater. Nor would Mr. Davis ever consider cutting Nnamdi Asomugha in order to sign Richard Seymour. Also, so far as I know, Romanowski is no longer on the Raider payroll.)


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Tags: Al Davis, Oakland Raiders, Raider Nation, Fans, Popular, Featured Bill Romanowski Braylon Edwards Darrius Heyward-Bey Deangelo Hall Marcus Allen Michael Crabtree Nnamdi Asomugha Randy Moss Ray Guy Richard Seymour Shane Lechler Tom Cable Tommy Kelly Tony Romo Zygi Wilf

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