Al Davis Starts the Fire Sale in Oakland

Al Davis

According to a report, Al Davis is working the phones, trying to find suitors willing to take a few big contracts off his hands.

JBB has attained exclusive transcripts of his phone conversations with various NFL coaches and general managers.

(phone ringing)

Bill Parcells: Hello.

Al Davis: Bill, Al Davis here.

BP: Hello, Mr. Davis. What can I do for you?

AD: As you might know, my Raiders are playing like Art Shell’s Raiders so far.

BP: Really? I didn’t even know you still had an NFL franchise in Oakland.

AD: Anyhow, you interested in anyone?

BP: I’ll take Nnamdi Asomugha off your hands.

AD: No can do. I’ve already promised him to Belichick for a first round pick in 2011. Ha! The sucker!

BP: So, who are you offering?

AD: Javon Walker.

(awkward silence)

AD: You don’t even have to give us any players or draft picks.

BP: So, what do you want?

AD: Exclusive rights to the wildcat offense.

(dial tone)

(Davis hangs up the phone and begins to dial)

(phone ringing)

Eric Mangini: Hello.

AD: Mangini, Al Davis here.

EM: Hello, Mr. Davis.

AD: I’ll cut to the chase cause I know you’ve got fines to hand out. We’re in a bind here and I need to get a few guys off my roster.

EM: I’ll take JaMarcus Russell.

(awkward silence)

EM: I’m not gonna lie, Mr. Davis. We need a quarterback in a bad way. Derek Anderson is killing me and there’s no way I’m letting some douche bag from Notre Dame run my team.

AD: Ha! Ha! That’s exactly why I took Russell over Brady Quinn. That guy walks around like he’s Sonny Jurgensen.

EM: Who?

AD: Jurgensen! The QB for the Redskins.

EM: You mean Jason Campbell.

AD: Who?

(awkward silence)

AD: Egads, have you gone mad man? I’m not trading the franchise!

EM: Damn! Well, thanks for the call. We got rid of Braylon Edwards and I need a new goat for my offense. Don’t suppose you’d be willing to give me Darrius Heyward-Bey, would you?

(dial tone)

(Davis dials another number)

(phone ringing)

Dick Jauron: Hello.

AD: Dick, Al Davis here.

DJ: Hey, Mr. Davis.

AD: I know you’ve got to get back to massaging T.O.’s ego, so I’ll be brief.

DJ: Go ahead, I’m all ears.

AD: I’m sure you realize that my team is not doing so well. I need to move some of these contracts. You interested?

(awkward silence)

AD: Jauron! You there?

DJ: Sorry about that, Mr. Davis. I’m going to have to call you back. Ralph Wilson just walked in with a pink piece of paper in his hands.

AD: Oh, I see. Well, good luck with your new quarterback. That Jim Kelly is going to be special. I just feel it.

(dial tone)

(Davis dials another number)

(phone ringing)

Rush Limbaugh: Hello.

AD: Limbaugh, Al Davis here.

RL: Well hello, Mr. Davis. To what do I owe this pleasure?

AD: I hear that you’re interested in buying an NFL franchise.

RL: Not true. I wanted to buy a UFL franchise. Who knew that the Rams were still in the NFL?

AD: Well, I’m thinking of selling the Raiders. You interested?

RL: You bet I am. One condition though.

AD: What’s that?

RL: I want to make Sarah Palin an honorary Raiderette.

AD: Done. I’ve got a condition too.

RL: Shoot.

AD: You’ve got to keep JaMarcus Russell as the starting quarterback.

 RL: Isn’t he…black?

AD: Yes.

(dial tone)

(Davis dials another number)

(phone ringing)

Jim Haslett: Hello.

AD: Haslett, Al Davis here.

JH: Oh, well…this is a surprise. How can I help you, Mr. Davis?

AD: My Raiders are another 37-point loss away from playing against your Florida Tuskers in the UFL next year. I need to make some trades.

(awkward silence)

JH: Right…well…can we even make trades?

AD: Grow some balls, man! Of course! I’m Al freaking Davis! If I tell God to make it rain in Las Vegas, Pacman Jones appears at Olympic Gardens. You understand me?

JH: Sure…sure, Mr. Davis. Ummm…

AD: Don’t be shy, spit it out, man!

JH: How about…Richard…Seymour?

AD: Great! I’ll take Doug Gabriel for Seymour. I’ve wanted so badly to get Gabriel back. That guy is going to be the next Don Hutson.

JH: Who?

AD: Look, I’m going to need a 4th round pick too.

JH: But Mr. Davis, we don’t even have a draft per say.

AD: Good God man! Call your commissioner and tell him I want a draft and I want your 4th round pick in that draft! Do I have to do everything?

JH: No sir, Mr. Davis. I’ll call our commissioner and I’ll phone you right back.

AD: Excellent!

(Davis hangs up the phone)

(Davis rubs his chin and turns to his secretary)

AD: Get Usain Bolt and Tyson Gay on the line, now!


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Tags: Al Davis, Oakland Raiders, Raider Nation, Fans, Popular, Featured

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  • Denver raider

    That is the dumbest f***ing article I ever wasted my time on suck my ass who ever wrote that you can tell it wasn’t a raider fan

  • The Kraken


  • bobbyv

    Excellent article, had a good chuckle.

  • adrian

    Made me crack up. In times like these we all need a good laugh

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  • Rod

    Based on what hes done the last 10 years I think Al wants the Raiders to stink. How else can you explain one stupid move after another, after another,after…..

    It sure looks like hes happy theyve lost 78 of their last 102!

  • Chunk

    davis is old school he probly doesnt even kno any thing about the wild cat yet
    he needs to stop butting in and actually let the coach be the coach.
    i would get rid of russel for sure!
    thats like the number 1 thing they need to do.
    heyward-bey is a number 2 reciever.
    ur better off playing murphy as the number 1 receiever.
    the offensive line would get tortured by me if i was a coach but hey…..
    what do i know im just a fan right?
    go raiders. trust in russell this year if he fucks up trade him to the panthers or some 1 lol

  • Samuel Bradford

    That is funny!The sad part is I can actually see that happening. Al give it up. the Raiders will never regain there glory until your gone and by the way I am a Raider fan…

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  • Slam

    The amount of money wasted on crappy draft picks and crappier free agents boggles my tiny little Raiders fan mind…and the thing nobody’s talking about is the chunks of team stock Al keeps selling off … his house of cards is definitely crumbling…I’m not saying we’ve hit rock bottom but let’s just say we have a pretty good view of rock bottom from here…kind of like Sarah Palin’s view of Russia from her back yard

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  • samerochocinco

    This was hilarious, nice job.

  • winston

    This shit is waaay 2 funny!…GO RAIDERS!

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