Al Davis Starts the Fire Sale in Oakland

According to a report, Al Davis is working the phones, trying to find suitors willing to take a few big contracts off his hands.

JBB has attained exclusive transcripts of his phone conversations with various NFL coaches and general managers.

(phone ringing)

Bill Parcells: Hello.

Al Davis: Bill, Al Davis here.

BP: Hello, Mr. Davis. What can I do for you?

AD: As you might know, my Raiders are playing like Art Shell’s Raiders so far.

BP: Really? I didn’t even know you still had an NFL franchise in Oakland.

AD: Anyhow, you interested in anyone?

BP: I’ll take Nnamdi Asomugha off your hands.

AD: No can do. I’ve already promised him to Belichick for a first round pick in 2011. Ha! The sucker!

BP: So, who are you offering?

AD: Javon Walker.

(awkward silence)

AD: You don’t even have to give us any players or draft picks.

BP: So, what do you want?

AD: Exclusive rights to the wildcat offense.

(dial tone)

(Davis hangs up the phone and begins to dial)

(phone ringing)

Eric Mangini: Hello.

AD: Mangini, Al Davis here.

EM: Hello, Mr. Davis.

AD: I’ll cut to the chase cause I know you’ve got fines to hand out. We’re in a bind here and I need to get a few guys off my roster.

EM: I’ll take JaMarcus Russell.

(awkward silence)

EM: I’m not gonna lie, Mr. Davis. We need a quarterback in a bad way. Derek Anderson is killing me and there’s no way I’m letting some douche bag from Notre Dame run my team.

AD: Ha! Ha! That’s exactly why I took Russell over Brady Quinn. That guy walks around like he’s Sonny Jurgensen.

EM: Who?

AD: Jurgensen! The QB for the Redskins.

EM: You mean Jason Campbell.

AD: Who?

(awkward silence)

AD: Egads, have you gone mad man? I’m not trading the franchise!

EM: Damn! Well, thanks for the call. We got rid of Braylon Edwards and I need a new goat for my offense. Don’t suppose you’d be willing to give me Darrius Heyward-Bey, would you?

(dial tone)

(Davis dials another number)

(phone ringing)

Dick Jauron: Hello.

AD: Dick, Al Davis here.

DJ: Hey, Mr. Davis.

AD: I know you’ve got to get back to massaging T.O.’s ego, so I’ll be brief.

DJ: Go ahead, I’m all ears.

AD: I’m sure you realize that my team is not doing so well. I need to move some of these contracts. You interested?

(awkward silence)

AD: Jauron! You there?

DJ: Sorry about that, Mr. Davis. I’m going to have to call you back. Ralph Wilson just walked in with a pink piece of paper in his hands.

AD: Oh, I see. Well, good luck with your new quarterback. That Jim Kelly is going to be special. I just feel it.

(dial tone)

(Davis dials another number)

(phone ringing)

Rush Limbaugh: Hello.

AD: Limbaugh, Al Davis here.

RL: Well hello, Mr. Davis. To what do I owe this pleasure?

AD: I hear that you’re interested in buying an NFL franchise.

RL: Not true. I wanted to buy a UFL franchise. Who knew that the Rams were still in the NFL?

AD: Well, I’m thinking of selling the Raiders. You interested?

RL: You bet I am. One condition though.

AD: What’s that?

RL: I want to make Sarah Palin an honorary Raiderette.

AD: Done. I’ve got a condition too.

RL: Shoot.

AD: You’ve got to keep JaMarcus Russell as the starting quarterback.

 RL: Isn’t he…black?

AD: Yes.

(dial tone)

(Davis dials another number)

(phone ringing)

Jim Haslett: Hello.

AD: Haslett, Al Davis here.

JH: Oh, well…this is a surprise. How can I help you, Mr. Davis?

AD: My Raiders are another 37-point loss away from playing against your Florida Tuskers in the UFL next year. I need to make some trades.

(awkward silence)

JH: Right…well…can we even make trades?

AD: Grow some balls, man! Of course! I’m Al freaking Davis! If I tell God to make it rain in Las Vegas, Pacman Jones appears at Olympic Gardens. You understand me?

JH: Sure…sure, Mr. Davis. Ummm…

AD: Don’t be shy, spit it out, man!

JH: How about…Richard…Seymour?

AD: Great! I’ll take Doug Gabriel for Seymour. I’ve wanted so badly to get Gabriel back. That guy is going to be the next Don Hutson.

JH: Who?

AD: Look, I’m going to need a 4^th round pick too.

JH: But Mr. Davis, we don’t even have a draft per say.

AD: Good God man! Call your commissioner and tell him I want a draft and I want your 4^th round pick in that draft! Do I have to do everything?

JH: No sir, Mr. Davis. I’ll call our commissioner and I’ll phone you right back.

AD: Excellent!

(Davis hangs up the phone)

(Davis rubs his chin and turns to his secretary)

AD: Get Usain Bolt and Tyson Gay on the line, now!

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