Heyward-Beyophobia: The Fear of Pigskin


In light of recent events that have occurred at the Oakland-Alameda Coliseum, the National Institute of Mental Health has chosen to recognize a new phobia.

Hence forth, the fear of pigskin shall be known as Heyward-Beyophobia.

Here is the clinical definition:

Heyward-Beyophobia: An acute fear of the substance pigskin, specifically when said pigskin is shaped into an oblong ball and thrown at the individual suffering from the phobia.  The results are generally a sharp reaction to the pigskin that includes developing a case of alligator arms, allowing the pigskin to bounce wildly off the chest and to bat the pigskin in the air, away from the body, in a volleyball-like fashion.

Heyward-Beyophobia can be acquired in many ways. The most recent cases have been brought on by hearing ones named called by Roger Goodell at Radio City Music Hall in April when the Oakland Raiders are on the clock. Among the symptoms are maniacal laughter by Cris Carter, $23-million in guaranteed money and being forced to attempt to catch passes from a 270-pound quarterback (as a side note, NFL teams should be warned that signing Jared Lorenzen could increase the chances of a Heyward-Beyophobia outbreak).

The most advanced cases have been cured by switching the individual from an offensive position to defensive. Generally, those who suffer from Heyward-Beyophobia have a better time adjusting when asked to simply knock the pigskin down instead of being asked to control it.  Another cure is to trade the individual to a new city where they will no longer be expected to live up to the hideous amounts of money thrown at their feet. Braylon Edwards is the most recent example of this cure. However, the Terrell Owens experiment in Buffalo has proven that not all instances are as successful as the Braylon case.


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