Today Reggie McKenzie sat with Marty Mornhinweg to pick is brain about the coaching vacancy in Oakland. Through sources which will remain anonymous JBB has obtained a transcript of the conversation.
Here is how it went…
Reggie McKenzie: Marty, thanks for taking the time to talk about the job. Glad that you’re interested.
Marty Mornhinweg: Thanks, boss. Can’t tell you how humbling it is to get the opportunity to replace a Hall of Famer like Art Shell.
RM: Right…I think you mean Hue Jackson…
RM: Not important. We’re here to see if you’re silver and black material. So, tell me, what kind of plans would you have for say…Terrelle Pryor?
MM: Glad you asked. When I was in Detroit we had an impressive collection of talent at wide receiver. If there is one thing I learned from coaching Roy Williams it’s that those who can’t, play receiver.
RM: So you see TP as a receiver in the NFL instead of a quarterback?
MM: Oh…no…quite the opposite. He’s the future. I see him as Tim Tebow with game.
RM: Ok, so how does Carson Palmer figure into your plans?
MM: We’ll move him to receiver.
RM: Wait. What? I’m confused…
MM: (chuckling) Mike Vick said that pretty often to me in Philly too. How funny.
RM: Ok, let’s just move on from the QB position for now. More importantly, how are you going to clean up all these penalties?
MM: Easy. When I was in Detroit we had a simple theory on penalties.
RM: Great! What was it?
MM: Basically, if you committed a penalty you weren’t allowed to come out of the game.
RM: Sorry, I’m not following you here.
MM: You see, we were so terrible that the worst thing that could happen was having to stay on the field any longer than necessary. It was punishment to get more snaps.
RM: Well, I’d like to think we have loftier goals here in Oakland.
MM: (chuckling) Ah…you sound just like Matt Millen.
RM: Tell you what. For the rest of this interview how about not talking about anything related to your time in Detroit.
MM: Sure. Done and doner.
RM: As you know, we’ve got a rare talent in Darren McFadden. Problem is he can’t stay healthy. Are you prepared to work with such an uncertain commodity?
MM: Yes. Without a doubt. When I was in…Detroi…err…Denver…
RM: You coached in Denver?
MM: Yes. No. Well, not exactly. What I was going to say was one time I was snowed in at the Denver airport and I coached up this kid playing Madden on his PSP. He lost McFadden to injury in the game so I had him move Michael Bush to quarterback and wouldn’t you know it…
RM: The kid won!
MM: No…but he learned a valuable lesson.
RM: What was that?
MM: Never to listen to my coaching.
RM: Right…well…thanks for your time.
MM: Sure, hope to be working with you and Al Davis in the near future.
RM: Marty…you do know Mr. Davis is…you know what…not important.
MM: Hey, look, I know I come across as stupid in interviews. I was a horrible head coach in Detroi…err…Denver and I couldn’t even handle an overtime coin toss. But, damn it, I love this game and I’m the type that never quits. I promise you, one year with JaMarcus Russell and he’ll be an All-Pro.
RM: Marty, how often does Andy Reid let you out of the office?
MM: Oh, Andy. He wouldn’t even give me an office. Basically I just sit outside his office all day long. Everyday at noon he needs 8 chili dogs and then we do tequila shot a 4pm. He tells me that the worst thing I can do is actually try to coach so we just concentrate on the basics. Doing Andy’s laundry. Erasing his web history so nobody knows about how much porn he watches. All that and the occasional favor for Mike Vick. I’m gonna miss those days…
RM: Thanks…Marty…we’ll be in touch.
(Mornhinweg stands and leaves the office)
RM: (to his secretary) Who’s next?
Secretary: Mike Tice.
RM: Oh good god! What did I get myself into? Please tell me Hue Jackson hasn’t cleaned out his desk yet.