In case you still don’t believe that ESPN absolutely hates the Oakland Raiders then here is the best proof yet. Word is spreading that the Disney Sports Channel plans on giving Chris Berman the microphone for the Raiders-Chargers Monday Night opener.
God help us all.
Thanks to JBB’s relationship with Doc Brown, a huge fan of the 2023 Super Bowl champion Raiders, we were able to attain a future transcript of the game. Here are some of the low-lights of the Berman helmed broadcast.
We FADE IN on the packed O.Co Coliseum with a view from above as the Goodyear Blimp hovers above the East Bay.
Berman (yelling): WELCOME TO OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE SAN DIEGO CHARGERS ARE PREPARING TO TAKE ON THEEEVUMMERUUMMMMUMMM REEEAIDDDEEERSSSS!!!!
Darren McFadden spins, breaks a tackle, hits the open field and stiff arms Eric Weddle en route to 68-yard touchdown.
Berman (yelling): DARREN MCFADDEN RUNS PAST NORV TURNER “AND HOOCH”, GIVES TURNER THE FINGER. RUN D…M…C. SAID.TO.WALK.THIS.WAY. THERERUMVVVUMMMERMMMMMEERRRR RAAAIDDEREDDEREDDSSSSSS SCORE! TOUCHDOWN!
Carson Palmer hits Denarius Moore in stride on a crossing pattern, Moore hurdles Eric Weddle and breaks free for a 50-yard TD.
Berman (yelling): CARSON “ARNOLD” PALMER TEES OFF ON A PERFECT PASS TO DENARIUS “NEEDS” MOORE “COWBELL” WHO WEDDLES ERIC IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD AND HITS PAYDIRT. TOUCHDOWN REEFAEERDFEREDEDDEEDDIIIIIIIEEERRRSSSSSS!
Jacoby Ford starts the second half in style with a 101-yard kick return for a TD.
Berman (yelling): JACOBY FORD “FAIRLANE” (F-Bomb) THE CHARGERS WITH A FANTASTIC FOOTBALL (F-Bomb) THERRRUMMMRRRRMMMMRMMMM (F-Bomb) REEDDDDEEEEAAAAIIIDDERRDDDDSSSS (F-Bomb) TOUCHDOOOOOWNNNN!!!!
Richard Seymour sacks Philip Rivers to force a three and out.
Berman (yelling, foaming at the mouth): “KING” RICHARD SEYMOUR SACKS PHILIP “A” RIVERS “RUNS THROUGH IT”. (F-Bombs galore). THERRRUMMMRERRMMMRERMMMMMM RAIIIIDEERMMMMRERRIIRSSSEEESSSSSSSS!
Sebastian Janikowski hits a 66-yard field goal
Berman (yelling, bleeding from his ears): SEBASTIAN JANI-“BREW”-SKI DOWNS A 66-PACK….
Berman’s head explodes in a violent fit of nicknames, F-Bombs and inaudible grumbling. ESPN’s broadcast goes dark for a full minute.
As part of our future agreement with Doc Brown we’re unable to provide you with the result of the game due to the Biff Sports Almanac Law passed in the year of 2015. However we can tell you that Berman’s head was reassembled. Unfortunately Berman’s new dome developed a violent case of turrets that effectively ended his broadcasting career. Oddly enough he would go on to still host SportsCenter on occasion where most viewers never noticed much of a difference in his performance save for a few extra bleeps and the tendency to mumble when he was off-camera.