Stand with me my fellow degenerates. This is our time! One glorious afternoon a year our sickness passion is shared by the masses. On Super Bowl Sunday it is perfectly acceptable to bet on anything under the sun without the worry of getting strange looks from family and friends whom you already owe money to.
What I’m referring to, naturally, are Super Bowl Prop bets. Those goodies of gambling that can either get you back to even or dig you into a ditch so deep you’ll want March Madness to start the second the Super Bowl ends.
So today I’m breaking down some of the better props to put your money on…or not. Please keep in mind my sage gambling wisdom is for entertainment only. Not only do I not recommend following my own advice I might go as far as to say do the exact opposite…or don’t bet at all. But what fun is that?
Here are some of the best props out there courtesy of Bovada.
How long will it take Alicia Keys to sing the National Anthem? – Over/Under 2 minutes, 10 seconds
This year is tricky. Typically I’m rolling under all day long. However this line has been moving, down from 2:15 earlier in the week. My pick: Bet on this at your own risk. Word is Keys is trying to make this thing her own. That could mean any number of outcomes.
Will Alicia Keys forget or omit at least 1 word? – Yes +150, No -300
Lots of action on the National Anthem this week as these lines have also moved. My pick: You won’t make any money off this but if you’re looking to get your gambling fix in early take No at -300. Not to worry, plenty more lines to make money on.
Will Beyonce’s hair be Curly/Crimped or Straight? – Straight -200, Curly/Crimped +150
Ahh…the first official gamble of the afternoon. My wallet is telling me to lay on straight but coming off that measly win with the Keys word omit bet I’m greedy so my degenerate heart is calling. My pick: Curly/Crimped. Yes, this is pretty much throwing money down the drain. But in the degenerate world an early loss is encouraged. How else can we justify betting on the Gatorade color at the end?
How many times will Jack Harbaugh be shown during the game? – Over/Under 2.5
Yet another line that has moved during the week. Initially the O/U was set at 1.5 and then the Har Bowl family press conference happened. My Pick: Take the over. Yes, it is a clear sucker bet but what better way to keep you invested in every second of the game than keeping track of family cut away shots? I can hear the grumbling now “That’s Jack’s arm! That counts as another one!!!”
How many times will Harbaugh be said during the game? – Over/Under 21.5
Again, anything that keeps us invested in every second of the game is a good thing. Riding the gambling rollercoaster should not be limited to one play at a time. My pick: Take the under. This line has been moving and I’m sure there will be plenty of controversy in the actual count. The lesson is simple: Amy bet with inherent controversy always benefits the house.
What color will the Gatorade (or liquid) be that is dumped on the head coach of the winning team? – Clear/Water 9/4, Orange 15/4, Yellow 1/1, Green 7/1, Red 13/2, Blue 15/2
By now you’re chasing one bad bet after the next. As tempting as it is to go with the longshot here keep it simple. My pick: Clear. Yep. After it’s all said and done Red will likely be the winner here which is why you want to take a safe loser. Get in one last loss to whet your appetite for the next round of gambling in March.
Will any Baltimore or San Francisco players on the active roster be arrested before the Super Bowl? – Yes, +500
Maybe the biggest sucker bet there is. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth the gamble. My pick: Hell to the yes! No way this one pays out…but if it does. That’s called found money, friends.
If Ray Lewis is interviewed after the game on the field or in the locker room how many times will he mention “God/Lord”? – Over/Under 3
This is a tough call. Taking the over seems logical but don’t put it past Lewis to call an audible by thanking God once and himself twice. My pick: Avoid this one. It screams sucker.
Cross Sport Matchups What will be higher? Kobe Bryant points vs. Detroit (+7.5) or Randy Moss Receiving Yards (-7.5)
Yes, finally a true degenerate bet. This one is a tough call. Kobe has been diming more than scoring lately. Meanwhile Moss has got to do something to validate his G.O.A.T. claim. My pick: Kobe. He’s due for a game over 20 and Moss has largely been an afterthought which of course means The Freak will have the game of his life and win MVP (40/1).