Looking Ahead: Five Bold Predictions About the 2015 Raiders

Sep 23, 2014; Los Angeles, CA, USA; American comedians Arsenio Hall (bottom left) and George Lopez (bottom right) and Los Angeles Dodgers owner Magic Johnson (top right) watch the game between the Los Angeles Dodgers and the San Francisco Giants at Dodger Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Richard Mackson-USA TODAY Sports

4. Gone Hollywood

Unfortunately for Oakland fans, the new era of unprecedented success the Raiders will enjoy under the Harbaugh-Gruden-Ryan administration will not take place in the Bay Area. After years of teasing, of false starts, of lies and empty promises, the Raiders will leave their Bay Area home for the second time to return to the City of Angels and become – again – the Los Angeles Raiders (of Inglewood or City of Industry or Carson or Pasadena or [insert LA suburb here]).

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Los Angeles fans would of course welcome the Raiders back with open arms, or at least that segment of LA football fans that have remained the Raider faithful all these years.  Those arms would of course be heavily tattooed, with words like “Mara Salvatrucha” or “Florencia.”  Los Angeles Raiders fans would descend on their new SoCal home every gameday Sunday, provided they can make bail, and Ice Cube would sing the national anthem at every home game. Of course, when the Raiders start winning immediately in Los Angeles, more casual Angeleno sports fans will begin attending the event, and ticket prices will rise. Much like Echo Park and Highland Park, the Raider Nation will become gentrified. Soon, Dickies-wearing cholos with gauged ears and neck tattoos will be replaced by skinny jeans-wearing hipsters with gauged ears and neck tattoos. The lowriders in the stadium parking lot will be replaced by Subarus and fixie bikes, and Ice Cube will be replaced by whatever indie rock band is popular that day. Mobile taco grills and bacon-wrapped hotdogs will be replaced by vegan Korean fusion tacos and organic bratwurst in tailgate parties, and the stadium will stop selling Bud Light and start brewing their own IPA’s with organic hops.  Justin Bieber and Kanye West will roam the sidelines of games, and Khloe Kardashian will marry five separate backup wide receivers.

Of course, after about a decade or so of success, the Raiders may again fall on hard times. After two consecutive losing seasons, the celebs and hipsters will disappear and the original Raider fan base will return. Rappers and gang members will again use the Raider logo heavily, just like in the late 1980’s, and corporate sponsors will begin pulling out to avoid being cast in a negative light. The city will decide not to invest in any stadium upgrades, and Raider owner Earvin “Magic” Johnson (oh yeah, that’s another bold prediction) will make the only move he can: move the team back to Oakland.  Because unlike Los Angeles, Oakland has never had a problem with crime or gangs.